You know, it's kind of sad that I have not many people that I can talk things to. And the people that I can talk to are either busy with their personal relationships or suffering from Shaun Fatigue Syndrome(SFS).
Hmmn I guess I am a person that really needs attention a lot? Maybe somewhat like a big kid. To need someone to be there to reassure me and to support me... Maybe I am just weak? Perhaps I am a social creature that craves social contact after all. Hahaha. Who would have thought that would be possible?
I mean after all the 'alone but not lonely' times that I spent in my primary and secondary school days, I would have been quite immune to loneliness. Maybe the after effects came late. I also thought that I would be the strong and silent type. Perhaps that's why my personal relationships are not always that close or in-depth? There is the certain holding back so that I wouldn't get hurt too badly. That comes across as aloof to certain people, I guess.
Ever since I came into Uni and stayed in hall, that feeling of being lonely has come to haunt me many a times. I don't know why but I never did felt accepted in hall. Maybe I am being too sensitive but really I wished that I had a bunch of friends to really hang out with and to be happy together. Sadly, that wish would never be fufiled. Perhaps due to age or difference in thinking or even courses, I never did manage to bond with many people.
Today, I saw how my peers are really happy studying with each other and supporting one another. And I felt pretty envious. Sometimes I would hope that a friend could ask me to go study together so that I wouldn't feel so lonely and lost sometimes studying on my own.
Harrison did tell me that I have got to reach out to people for a change. To get in touch with other people and to make friends again. I did try but perhaps I just got discouraged by the responses too easily. This friend making business really freaks me out sometimes. Somehow I feel that people keep judging me for who I am.
And the incident that happened last semester still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I really wonder if I really was that blind or just too needy for people to accept me for who I am. I still hurt terribly whenever I think about it. And the best part is almost everyone in hall knew what was going on. Somehow, that further alienates me form the very people that I want to be close with - my hall mates.
I don't deny that I really like my hall. It's something that makes me proud that I am from Hall Se7en. Through the years, I think I put my fair share of effort in making it great. The times of rugby and cheerleading. YES. RUBGY AND CHEERLEADING! Both these activities gave me the greatest satisfaction of being in hall. That, no matter how short the time was, I was truly part of Hall Se7en. From these activities, I have met many whom I would gladly call my friends. Alas, the time together is only for that period. Thereafter, everyone would go back to lead their own lives. It sometimes makes me depressed that the closeness and togetherness we built together could be so fragile. I would gladly join the cheerleaders and ruggers next year if they would want me back. I really love those groups of people. throw away the pain and hurt, throw away the presence of some people. I still love them and I hope they could love me back too. But I guess it's wishful thinking on my part.
Why do I have this need to be loved and recognised? I don't know why I can't be content and be who I am. And sometimes it just gets worse. My batch of seniors are graduating this semester and I'm going to miss them much. Somehow the people I know are all leaving me. Peili, Kenny, Bob, Wayne and the rest who gave me support when I was in need. And the younger batch just don't seem to care much. I wonder if I should carry on staying in hall or just stay at home. Sometimes I really feel that staying at home would make me feel happier. Not in some place where there are people but I'm alone. That really sucks. Or their implied rejection of me as a person really sucks.
I just wish that I can find a place where I really belong to, and feel wanted and appreciated. In life, in love, in hope. Maybe that's all that we really need?