Friday, October 03, 2008
I feel so sad and useless today. Utterly defeated by life. I haven't been really happy for some time now. Everytime I find some joy, it would be short-lived. Why does the one who brings me such joy bring me such pain as well? I find life so difficult to live when I feel such conflicting emotions all the time. How do I be a friend who loves you but cannot love you? You always knew that I wanted you. But you wanted him, so I left. You said I was selfish and that I am making myself look like a noble fuck. That really hurt me. Was I really that selfish? Did you ever considered my emotions and feelings? To remain as your friend; as the only person you trusted as you so much wanted, I had to numb my heart and suppress all that i felt for you. I thought I could and that it was worth it that we had something which meant something to us both. That's why I tried so hard to make things work. Everything I did was for you to be happy. You say that you are trying to be happy now and that he makes things better for you. And I really want you to be happy too. Though I cannot be happy for you because of my feelings for you. If you knew, why do you want us to remain friends? How my heart broke when I saw you with him and that he stayed over in your room through the night. If you knew, how could you still want us to remain as friends?You asked me what kind of a friend I was who couldnt be happy for you? I am a friend who loves you but cannot love you.You said that we maybe finally stop hurting one another with each other.I wished we could have loved each other as much as we have hurt each other.I love you, I really do. I wished I had said in person to you. Goodbye.
fucked off the world at x 7:24 PM