The loneliest of days...
As things are drawing to a close, the loneliness creeps in again. Ever so silently, ever so stealthy. Till it hits with full force. Forcefully, unstoppable.
With this closing chapter of my life, things should be looking up, getting better yet I feel such a empty, ringingly hollow emptiness within me. Was it the events of the months past, where my dreams of the future were so totally torn down and made to dust. That the person whom I loved the most would forsake me? That I be mocked and ostracized by the people I called my friends? That I am being left behind in a different world of my peers?
Your abandonment hurt the most. At a time when I needed your encouragement and love, you thought me unworthy of you. Despite my true and honest intentions to you, I could never match up to your expectations. What I ever wanted was a simple life together with you. Was it so frightful that it scared you away? I keep telling myself to let you go... but it's so hard.... Because, you really meant something to me whether you want to believe it or not. If I could tell the things that I wanted so much to say, I would have told you that I would never lie to you ever, I would love you with all my heart, I would be there for you and never make you wait, that you will always be first place. But things will not work out, I missed the opportunity to tell you that I loved you so much and missed you so dearly...
This road to recovery is so long that I sometimes wonder if I should just give up hope; that there would be a future for me where I could be happy... At the rate of time that has progressed, that temptation to yield easily into the night bears on greater. I have lost so much of what I was, I am. I sometimes don't know how to get on with my life. Follow the flow, my friends say. Yet where would the flow lead to? The once lofty ambitions I had, are now but wisps of smoke. The fear of not fulfilling my true potential haunts me still and yet it is this fear that hinders me from achieving the things that I needed to do. Why this fear? Why this fear of my fear?
My mind is weak and my courage is waning... yet. I had hoped to God that I be spared this torment more often than not. Is it that he does not hear me? Or that I am unworthy of salvation? Sometimes I wish that there was a sign. And that my angel would be there to hold me in her arms and tell me that everything will be alright.
The loneliest of days.